put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
