I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
