Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
