omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
