last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
