i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
