Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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