i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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