You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i think my cat just said my name.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
