dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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