After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
