Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize