Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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