when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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