I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
