So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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