to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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