he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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