if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just googled if crying burns calories
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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