I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
is wine microwaveable?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize