i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
