TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
