Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
