Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
