I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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