We won't sleep together?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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