Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
