the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
