i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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