Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have surprise drugs for everyone
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
