you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
