girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
