That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
sex in a hospital.. check
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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