If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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