I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
