I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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