I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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