you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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