Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
