she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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