Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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