hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
