when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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