So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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