I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
