You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
