Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's blow job season.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
