My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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