I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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