winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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