I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
