And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Randomize
