I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
