I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
