First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
