She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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