I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
